A hero for a mom

"After every slammed door

Came a knock of patience

After every fight
Came forgiveness
After every ‘I’m sorry’
Came a ‘I Understand’
After every tear
Came a shoulder to cry on
After every ‘I want to give up’
Came a ‘you are made for this’
After every ‘I hate this’

Came a ‘it will get better’ 

After every dream I’ve dared to voice
Came a time of giving me wings
After every mountain I’ve overcome
Came a ‘I couldn’t be more proud’

… After every ‘I love you’
Comes ‘I love you more’ 

Today, my hero celebrates what is considered by many to be one of life’s greatest milestones. While I wish I could be there to celebrate with her, I am in the middle of something she has spent the past 20 years preparing me for.

20 years full of laughter, fights, tears, talks, hugs. 20 years of giving me roots within the soil of a beautiful, loving home. 20 years of giving a dreamer like me wings, and the faith to believe they will take me farther than I could ever hope.

Throughout the years, I have gained lessons that will stay with me forever. The tears from my punishments have shown me that what’s for the best will hurt. The hugs after our fights have shown me that no action is unforgiveable. The words you have spoken after a mistake has taught me the importance of courage. The times when you’ve forced me to do the right has taught me the value of honor.

Mom, I’m only at the beginning of this new chapter of my life. I’m just turning that first page you love to remind me of so much. We always say we don’t know the end. But I do know one thing about that last chapter. You will be there. Whether it be in person, or in the values and lessons instilled in me forever. I will not be that person in the future without those values and lessons. Just as I am not the person I am today without your 20 years of teaching and care.

There isn’t a second of my life that you haven’t fully invested in me. And I could not be more grateful. And while words are not merely enough to describe my appreciation, I hope the few I have put down here give a glimpse.


I love you, mom.

Here’s to another 50.

“Mama, you taught me to do the right thing
And now you have to let your baby fly
You’ve given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life. “
-Mama’s Song, Carrie Underwood

“People always say
I have a laugh
Like my mother does
Guess that makes sense
She taught me how to smile
When things get rough

I've got her spirit
She's always got my back
When I look at her
I think, I want to be just like that

When I love, I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I feel weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because I see myself like my mother does

I never met a stranger
that can talk to anyone
Like my mother does
I let my temper fly
And she can walk away
When she's had enough

She sees everybody
For who they really are
I'm so thankful for her guidance
She helped me get this far

When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I feel weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because
I see myself like my mother does

She's a rock
She is grace
She's an angel
She's my heart and soul
She does it all

When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I'm weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because
I see myself like my mother does
Like my mother does

I hear people saying
I'm starting to look like my mother does”
-Like My Mother Does, Lauren Alaina

Settling

I have come to like that word- settling. It’s beginning to be a word of comfort, a word that stirs something inside of me. It’s the same place that is stirred when I think of sitting by a campfire under the stars with my family, a chocolate gravy breakfast on Christmas morning or that feeling when you’re driving home from school for break and you see your exit up ahead.

It’s a word that represents peace, accomplishment, rest, place and belonging. And thankfully, all of those words are describing feelings I have felt this week while here in Australia.

It still has been a struggle and I have cried my fair share of times on the phone with my family. But in the midst of it all, God has been giving me glimpses of joy and comfort.

My first glimpse was that my first week of classes went really well. I’m taking Photography 1, Indigenous History, Cultures and Identity, Theology and Creativity, Discipleship and Learning and The View From Australia.

Photo 1 should be incredibly fun. The lecturer is really nice and relaxed, the perfect combination for a photo class. I’m really looking forward to learning all I can and getting some incredible shots of this beautiful country.

Indigenous History, Cultures and Identity will be a stretch. It’s very similar to American Indian history. And for a girl who grew up in the California public school system, it can seem like I’ve been there done that. But I just have to keep looking for those hidden gems that will keep me interested.

Theology and Creativity is all about blending the different modes of creativity with world theology. Wesley Institute is an art school so learning about theology and creativity from that perspective will be a growing experience. I’m looking forward to having my mind stretched and my pre-conceived notions challenged in that area of life.

Discipleship and Learning is a class I’m really looking forward to in a twisted way. We’re learning about the art of disciple making and how to apply Matthew 28 to our lives. At the end of the semester, we’ll create a lesson of our own filled with learning objectives, lesson content, resource materials, anticipated outcomes and more. The geek in me is excited to really put a lot of heart into that assignment. As of right now, I think it’s one of those classes that you get out what you put in. If I only went to class and did enough work to just get by, I’d probably not like the class. But if I make the assignments my own and really try to like them, I think I can glean a whole lot from that class.

The View From Australia is a 9-5 class. The morning is actual lecture and the afternoon is field trips. The class looks at issues in religion, politics, economics and culture values throughout Australia’s history and examines their impact. We’ll also compare, contrast and critique our own culture values and look at the distinction between culture and Christian truth. I’m looking forward to experiencing the challenges of this class. The director of the program I’m over here with is the lecturer and she’s really dedicated to teaching us how to think (not what to think) and to stretch those pre- conceived notions yet again. We’ll spend a whole lot of time looking at the grey areas of life in what can be a very black and white world.

As for the little ins and outs of Sydney…

I’ve gotten lost here who knows how many times. I thought the other day that maybe I should start counting how many times I’ve had to ask for directions. But then I realized the amount of times I’ve asked is higher than I know how to count. So there goes that idea. I have to smile every time I stop a random stranger to ask for help. I used to never want to go out of my way to talk to different people. My mom would try so hard to get me to be a little more outgoing. It’s paying off now, mom!

I’ve been getting the hang of Sydney public transport. It’s confusing still but I’m slowly but surely learning. On Tuesday a group of us went to the mall to get cell phones. We spent a good 15 minutes walking in circles trying to find our bus stop to go back to school for our night class. Thankfully we saw the bus and started running and the angel in disguise pulled over (not at a stop) to pick us up. Gotta love when God shows you that He is always in control.

My host family has been more than welcoming. My host mom is from Singapore and is the sweetest. She loves to tease us for our American ways but is always helping us with something. She spoils us in a way because she never wants us to help with anything. So she’ll make dinner, do dishes, do laundry. And no matter how many times I ask if I can help, she insists she loves doing it. She is a great cook and even taught my roommate and I to make sushi Friday night. My dad has already put in his request for me to make some when I get home. I think that’s what I’m most excited for this summer, to just share my experiences with my family. My host dad is from Australia and knows more about American history and politics than probably 90% of those in the States. I finally was able to answer one of his trivia questions the other day (thank you to whoever first told me that FDR was the president who’s served the most terms with 4). He always has an answer for every question I can come up with. If I can retain about 10% of what he shares, I’ll be able to win Who Wants to Be a Millionaire when I come back. We spent Monday evening talking about the Australian government system and I learned all about their respective parties, how they elect a prime minister, how the Queen plays into all of it. It was really interesting to learn about a government that does things so differently than the States.

I have found a church, which is a major answer to prayer! It’s the same church my host family attends but I’ll go to the 7pm service which is a different sermon, more upbeat music and a younger congregation. I’ve even gotten plugged in with a bible study that takes place on Wednesday nights. We have dinner there, talk about our own lives and then will delve into the book of Hebrews. After, we have ‘supper’. The first time I heard that I couldn’t figure out why they’d eat a whole meal again. But I learned that it’s just another word for dessert. The group is incredibly welcoming and makes me feel quite at home. I have desired that fellowship and am ready to take advantage of it.

All of these ‘new things’ this week will now be part of my new routine for the next 3 months (except getting lost, let’s all pray!). And having a routine is beautiful medicine to the Type A souls. I’ve been getting into a routine of when to make my lunch, when to do homework, when to do this and that. The small, little things that you only miss when they’re absent. I have begun to eventually like learning the new ins and outs of life here as I have come to feel I belong here.

Sunday evening, I was searching for a word I could use to describe my feelings right now and that’s when settling immediately came to mind. Because that’s what I’m doing. I’m ironing out the kinks of this new way of life, I’m riding the bumps of this new season. As I learn to navigate, I’ll make mistakes but eventually I will settle.

I’ve come to think of myself as an uprooted tree. The hardest part for an uprooted tree is regaining that place to put down new roots, that season of settling for the tree. It has to get familiar with the area and then it has to break through the new ground, as hard as the ground might be. But once the roots break through, they continue to deepen. To grow. They get stronger. Healthier. That’s when the tree can then begin to flourish.

It might come upon some rough spots in the dirt. But the roots can then move around it. It starts to weave in and out and around the areas of roughness. But all the while, the tree continues to grow.

Amidst the hard times I have come across, my roots will continue to search through the dirt for another way. But during the searching, my roots will deepen and strengthen. My tree will grow stronger.

Peace.

When something goes wrong, but you know it will be alright.

Accomplishment.

Successful transportation trips.

Rest.

Sleeping a whole night through.

Place.

Finding adventures with new friends here.

Belonging.

Knowing I’m here for a reason.

It’s a beautiful feeling. When camping won’t happen until the summer, when Christmas is 10 months away and when driving home is impossible, I’m thankful I can still be reminded of that joy hidden in the corners of my soul.

Thank you Australia for giving me these beautiful glimpses of purpose as I settle.

I’m forever grateful. 

Hope of Glory

“When it hits you that …
The towels are softer in the states
You’ll sweat more than anything
It will be four months until you can take a long shower
Walking is your new hobby
A simple couple minute across-campus-stroll to class isn’t happening
Your loads of cute clothes somehow disappeared crossing the international dateline
Small spaces are the new black
This is your family for now
When you speak, it’s as if you’re on exhibit at a museum
A phone call to end your day is not practical
Constant communication back home will be as frequent as a stop at In N Out here
Nothing you get at home will you get here- similar is not same
You won’t hug your family for four months
Your brother is across the country and you won’t be able to text ESPN headlines back and forth or you won’t hear him call you sissy every day when he wants something
Your dad is across the country and can’t make you your favorite dinner when it’s just what you’re needing
Your mom is across the country and can’t hold you and tell you everything is alright
Everything you’re used to, everything you’ve relied on, everything that’s gotten you through a bad day are miles and miles away.
Why yes, when it hits you it hits you hard."

That was a portion of my journal entry Friday night. I was hurting and I was hurting bad. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning were a walk in the park. I was loving Sydney, the people and everything else. 

But then came time to move into our homestays. And I put those two words together.

Home.

Stay.

Home as in Ashfield, a suburb in Sydney, New South Wales.

Not as in Morgan Hill, a small town in California. Or even Rocklin, my college town in California.

Stay as in for four months- a third of the year.

Not as in for a few days and then I’ll go back to my ‘real and normal life’.

I was on the verge of an emotional break down throughout the evening. I couldn’t even think about looking at pictures of anyone from home without crying . I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to hug my family without tears flooding. I couldn’t think about a favorite meal, my own bed, my dog, my friends.

When it came down to it, I simply couldn’t dare think about what I knew as safe.

The comfort of home. The love of home. The familiarity of home. The safeness of home. What's gotten me through almost 20 years of life. 

All I had was God.

I kept telling myself everything God has been telling me and putting on my heart.

I was made for this.

This is my dream.

Catching dreams is not easy.

Different is okay.

You want to be changed and change comes to the open minded.

We learn the most about our God when everything that can mask Him or take away from Him is stripped away.

Before I fell asleep I did my devotional time. I’m in the book of Ezekiel, that night chapter 10 when ‘the glory departs from the temple’ as my Bible puts it.

But what ministered to my soul weren’t necessarily the words in Ezekiel. It was words from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians and the study words for Ezekiel.

Expanding on Chapter 10, the authors of the study portions of my Bible wrote this:

“Connection: Distanced From God
 As a believer, your life is filled with God’s glory by the Holy Spirit’s presence within you (Rom 8:11). While the Spirit won’t leave your life, you can certainly chase away the sensation of His presence by ignoring His voice or even pushing Him away. Christ’s presence in you is your own ‘hope of glory’ (Col 1:27), the Lord’s awesome promise to be with you and remake you (Eph. 3:14-19).
 Make it your aim to keep in step with the Spirit, doing nothing to drive Him away (Gal 5:25)." 

You see, before I arrived here I was thinking about how I wanted a word to describe my hopes, goals and visions for this adventurous season. And God whispered to me one word- CLING.

It then became apparent that this season would be a time to testing and trials- that I would be faced with two choices.

         1. -    To attempt this on my own and tell God I’m putting Him on the back burner for the next four months. He’s always the same so He’ll be the same then as He is now.

         2.-     To run to God with open arms in every situation. To listen to His voice in the chaos or in the quiet. To do what I know He called me to do, not matter the cost. To CLING to Him.

When one clings to something, they attach themselves. They will not let go. It’s not as if they’re simply holding on to a rail to keep them from falling. No. They are gripping as if their life depends on it.

And that’s when I realized that’s how God wants me to be in communion with Him this semester.

I then flipped over to Ephesians 3:14-19 to read more about remaking. And God’s words filled me with the most serene sense of peace.

“…that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith that you being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend wit hall the Saints what is the width and length and depth and height- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above what we ask or imagine, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the Church. Ephesians 3:16-21”

This passage reminded me of this- I can and will be filled with the love, strength, glory, presence, knowledge and FULLNESS of Christ. What a beautiful thing.

When morning came I was still a wreck. I called home and cried to my mom. I’m sure my family was imagining a great first phone call filled with me sharing all of my fun adventures. Instead it was my bawling my eyes out to my mom.

Telling her I don’t know what the heck I’m doing.

Why in the world did I think I could do this.

It’d be so much easier to be at Jessup.

It’s so different, too hard.

This is not home.

And my wise mother told me reminders I needed to hear.

I do know what I’m doing because God has gone before me and I’m following in His footsteps.

I cannot doubt what I know I was made for.

I would never be content with easy. That's not who I am.

I knew it’d be different, I was prepared for that.

Hard is okay, the beauty of experiencing the fruition of big dreams never come to those who don’t experience pain.

Home will be waiting.

Supporting me.

Praying for me.

Loving me.

Keeping me going.

After I hung up with my mom I cried some more. And I cried later. And then, a light switch was flipped inside of me. No doubt, the prayers I knew my mom was praying (and probably asked other people to be praying too) were working.

I was filled with not a spirit of fear. But a spirit of adventure and power in Christ. I wanted to go grab the bull by the horns and not just see this dream pass by through my window. I wanted to live out the dream.

So my roommate and I walked to the train station.

We figured out the system by ourselves without getting lost.

We rode into Circular Quay where the Opera House and Sydney Harbor Bridge are.

And we got coffee at a little place on the harbor.

We walked in the rocks area (the name of the shops places) and looked around.

We went to McDonald’s (or Maca’s as they say here) to experience free wi-fi.

We talked.

We laughed.

We got emotional about being far away from home.

We realized what a beautiful thing was right before us.

I could spend these four months thinking about home, missing home, craving home and so on. Or I could spend that same time appreciating the beauty of my home while learning the beauty of Australia. I only have 4 months for this once in a lifetime opportunity so I need to focus on what I do have here, not what is not. That will get me no where.

I still am getting emotional when I think about home and what I'm missing. But for right now, I am focusing not on what I'm missing out on at home, but what I have right before me so I will not miss out on that as well. 

So thank you God for showing me my Hope of Glory.

As I cling to You, I only hope You reveal to me more of You. 

A Dandelion in the Spring

It comes from one of my all time favorite book quotes. A quote that ends the beautiful Hunger Games trilogy and one that Suzanne Collins uses to sum up the trials, heartache and lessons learned throughout the three books.

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again..."-Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins

The first time I read the ending of Mockingjay, this quote stopped me. It's stunningly shocking sometimes how words can describe emotion so effortlessly. Prior to these few lines, Katniss describes why she let someone go. It was because his "fire kindled with rage and hatred" was not what she needed. She needed the reminder that destruction was not always on the horizon, good can come again. As sappy and romantic as the context of the quote is, the statement Collins is making rings true no matter where you find yourself in life. 

Right now I find myself two weeks out from the greatest adventure I have ever been a part of. On the 18th I'll leave my comfy little life for four months in Sydney, Australia studying at a small, private Christian Arts college. I still have to stop and keep my jaw from dropping when thinking about that. I have dreamed of going to Australia since I was a little girl and my dream of studying abroad began not long after that. Once I learned I could put those two dreams together, the greatest dream of my life was born. And now it is about to come to life right before my eyes. 

I have been doing a lot of emotional preparation as I am a thinker, a reflector. I have spent time thinking back on what God has done in my life up to this point and how it could be preparing me for this next season of life. The last semester was the toughest season of my life. There are no 'maybes' or 'possiblys' about that statement. It's just fact. I found myself broken and down on my knees in silence quite often. So many times I had nothing when I came to the Lord and begged Him to help deliver me. But isn't it funny that God does the most in our life when we finally offer Him nothing. It's as if He's reminding us that there's nothing we can do, so stop trying to bring something to Him. All we can give Him is ourselves. And again and again He does an incredible work with that sacrifice. 

I saw that first hand this past semester as He beautifully transformed so many areas of my life. My faith grew- I learned that God needs me to learn to walk in the dark times of life knowing that He has gone before me. My ways of relating grew- I learned so much about what it means to be there in support of others and how to trust others to be there for me. And I even learned how to love myself- a battle I have been fighting for years.

Finding the good in those trials of the last season of my life are my dandelions in the spring. God knows just the person I need to be for this adventure in Australia. He isn't going to just drop me off there and say adios. He's gone up ahead, He's seen what I will face when I am in Australia. He has spent the past 19 and a half years preparing me for this time. 

That time won't always be beautiful. Growth and change never are. In fact, John Harbaugh said it quite well in the pre game Superbowl show yesterday- "Change forces a person to take a look at themselves, first and foremost". I know I will be taking a lot of long looks at myself this semester. But the same God who helped me stand up last semester and transform me into something beautiful will continue His good and mighty work in this next season. God is the same no matter what continent. 

I have faith that God will continue to place dandelions along my trail of life. They are His reminder that He is making things new, this life will go on and that all is good yet again. Sometimes the dandelions might be hidden where I have to search them out. Sometimes they might be right under my nose. But no matter what, they will always be there. 

And I thank God for that. 

Go get 'em girl

Those were the words my dad told me as he was hugging me goodbye on Sunday. As I turned away and walked to the steps that would lead me to my dorm room, those were the words I heard in my head... "go get 'em girl". I walked up the stairs, waved goodbye and yelled "I love you too" back to my mom, dad and brother pulling away in their car.

Walking back to my dorm room I experienced what I never would have dreamed I would have felt. But I felt a distinct sense of peace. Over the next few days, that sense of peace would not leave. It was the sense of peace that tells me I am right where I need to be. The sense of peace that reminds me that this place, William Jessup University, is a stepping stone to help me reach my dreams.

Over my desk is this picture:



My dreams are why I am at Jessup. They are why I chose to pack up and leave home. Leave comfort, normality, routine, my family and come live in a totally new place. A place filled with awkward moments, an enormous amount of new faces, community bathrooms and college food. Yes, I knew it would not be "comfortable". But when God calls you to do something, He never says it will be "comfortable". Rather, the opposite.

I've been reading through Genesis and I'm at the life of Abraham. Leaving Morgan Hill is nothing compared to what Abraham was called to do. In chapter 12, verse 1 God tells Abraham (at this point Abram), to "get out of your country, from your family and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you". He goes on to explain that He will bless Abram by making him a great nation, his name great. If I was Abram, I would have missed the whole blessing part. I would have stopped listening after that whole leaving everything I knew and I loved part. I would have started to worry and probably have tried to find a way around what God was calling me to do. Back then, there was no Facebook, no cell phones, no email or Skype. That's what kept me from totally falling apart while I was saying goodbye- the blessings of technology. But Abram and Sarai had nothing of that sort. And on top of that, they didn't have an absolute clue as to where they were going. God called them to go and He said He would let them know when they had arrived at this place He had picked.

Thankfully, God saw fit to show me where I am supposed to go and be. These past fews days, God has revealed again and again that Jessup has just the resources I need to see my goals be reached and I'm just in awe at how amazingly beautiful it is to see the power of God at work.

Saying goodbye to my mom, dad and brother was the hardest part of this experience. We went out to lunch at Cheesecake Factory and I cried again and again at our table. I bawled in the car and as they drove away and I walked back to my car, I teared up. But what kept me from losing it as I walked away from my family's car were my dad's words that still play in my head 3 days later- "go get 'em girl". Simple words yet they reminded me of so much. They now serve as a constant reminder that leaving everything I know and love has a reason, a purpose. God wouldn't call me to this point if He didn't have a plan in mind. He knows all my thoughts, goals and dreams. He gave me these dreams. And He will be at my side as I follow the words my dad told me for the next four years and beyond... "go get 'em girl".