Hope of Glory

“When it hits you that …
The towels are softer in the states
You’ll sweat more than anything
It will be four months until you can take a long shower
Walking is your new hobby
A simple couple minute across-campus-stroll to class isn’t happening
Your loads of cute clothes somehow disappeared crossing the international dateline
Small spaces are the new black
This is your family for now
When you speak, it’s as if you’re on exhibit at a museum
A phone call to end your day is not practical
Constant communication back home will be as frequent as a stop at In N Out here
Nothing you get at home will you get here- similar is not same
You won’t hug your family for four months
Your brother is across the country and you won’t be able to text ESPN headlines back and forth or you won’t hear him call you sissy every day when he wants something
Your dad is across the country and can’t make you your favorite dinner when it’s just what you’re needing
Your mom is across the country and can’t hold you and tell you everything is alright
Everything you’re used to, everything you’ve relied on, everything that’s gotten you through a bad day are miles and miles away.
Why yes, when it hits you it hits you hard."

That was a portion of my journal entry Friday night. I was hurting and I was hurting bad. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning were a walk in the park. I was loving Sydney, the people and everything else. 

But then came time to move into our homestays. And I put those two words together.

Home.

Stay.

Home as in Ashfield, a suburb in Sydney, New South Wales.

Not as in Morgan Hill, a small town in California. Or even Rocklin, my college town in California.

Stay as in for four months- a third of the year.

Not as in for a few days and then I’ll go back to my ‘real and normal life’.

I was on the verge of an emotional break down throughout the evening. I couldn’t even think about looking at pictures of anyone from home without crying . I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to hug my family without tears flooding. I couldn’t think about a favorite meal, my own bed, my dog, my friends.

When it came down to it, I simply couldn’t dare think about what I knew as safe.

The comfort of home. The love of home. The familiarity of home. The safeness of home. What's gotten me through almost 20 years of life. 

All I had was God.

I kept telling myself everything God has been telling me and putting on my heart.

I was made for this.

This is my dream.

Catching dreams is not easy.

Different is okay.

You want to be changed and change comes to the open minded.

We learn the most about our God when everything that can mask Him or take away from Him is stripped away.

Before I fell asleep I did my devotional time. I’m in the book of Ezekiel, that night chapter 10 when ‘the glory departs from the temple’ as my Bible puts it.

But what ministered to my soul weren’t necessarily the words in Ezekiel. It was words from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians and the study words for Ezekiel.

Expanding on Chapter 10, the authors of the study portions of my Bible wrote this:

“Connection: Distanced From God
 As a believer, your life is filled with God’s glory by the Holy Spirit’s presence within you (Rom 8:11). While the Spirit won’t leave your life, you can certainly chase away the sensation of His presence by ignoring His voice or even pushing Him away. Christ’s presence in you is your own ‘hope of glory’ (Col 1:27), the Lord’s awesome promise to be with you and remake you (Eph. 3:14-19).
 Make it your aim to keep in step with the Spirit, doing nothing to drive Him away (Gal 5:25)." 

You see, before I arrived here I was thinking about how I wanted a word to describe my hopes, goals and visions for this adventurous season. And God whispered to me one word- CLING.

It then became apparent that this season would be a time to testing and trials- that I would be faced with two choices.

         1. -    To attempt this on my own and tell God I’m putting Him on the back burner for the next four months. He’s always the same so He’ll be the same then as He is now.

         2.-     To run to God with open arms in every situation. To listen to His voice in the chaos or in the quiet. To do what I know He called me to do, not matter the cost. To CLING to Him.

When one clings to something, they attach themselves. They will not let go. It’s not as if they’re simply holding on to a rail to keep them from falling. No. They are gripping as if their life depends on it.

And that’s when I realized that’s how God wants me to be in communion with Him this semester.

I then flipped over to Ephesians 3:14-19 to read more about remaking. And God’s words filled me with the most serene sense of peace.

“…that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith that you being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend wit hall the Saints what is the width and length and depth and height- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above what we ask or imagine, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the Church. Ephesians 3:16-21”

This passage reminded me of this- I can and will be filled with the love, strength, glory, presence, knowledge and FULLNESS of Christ. What a beautiful thing.

When morning came I was still a wreck. I called home and cried to my mom. I’m sure my family was imagining a great first phone call filled with me sharing all of my fun adventures. Instead it was my bawling my eyes out to my mom.

Telling her I don’t know what the heck I’m doing.

Why in the world did I think I could do this.

It’d be so much easier to be at Jessup.

It’s so different, too hard.

This is not home.

And my wise mother told me reminders I needed to hear.

I do know what I’m doing because God has gone before me and I’m following in His footsteps.

I cannot doubt what I know I was made for.

I would never be content with easy. That's not who I am.

I knew it’d be different, I was prepared for that.

Hard is okay, the beauty of experiencing the fruition of big dreams never come to those who don’t experience pain.

Home will be waiting.

Supporting me.

Praying for me.

Loving me.

Keeping me going.

After I hung up with my mom I cried some more. And I cried later. And then, a light switch was flipped inside of me. No doubt, the prayers I knew my mom was praying (and probably asked other people to be praying too) were working.

I was filled with not a spirit of fear. But a spirit of adventure and power in Christ. I wanted to go grab the bull by the horns and not just see this dream pass by through my window. I wanted to live out the dream.

So my roommate and I walked to the train station.

We figured out the system by ourselves without getting lost.

We rode into Circular Quay where the Opera House and Sydney Harbor Bridge are.

And we got coffee at a little place on the harbor.

We walked in the rocks area (the name of the shops places) and looked around.

We went to McDonald’s (or Maca’s as they say here) to experience free wi-fi.

We talked.

We laughed.

We got emotional about being far away from home.

We realized what a beautiful thing was right before us.

I could spend these four months thinking about home, missing home, craving home and so on. Or I could spend that same time appreciating the beauty of my home while learning the beauty of Australia. I only have 4 months for this once in a lifetime opportunity so I need to focus on what I do have here, not what is not. That will get me no where.

I still am getting emotional when I think about home and what I'm missing. But for right now, I am focusing not on what I'm missing out on at home, but what I have right before me so I will not miss out on that as well. 

So thank you God for showing me my Hope of Glory.

As I cling to You, I only hope You reveal to me more of You. 

A Dandelion in the Spring

It comes from one of my all time favorite book quotes. A quote that ends the beautiful Hunger Games trilogy and one that Suzanne Collins uses to sum up the trials, heartache and lessons learned throughout the three books.

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again..."-Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins

The first time I read the ending of Mockingjay, this quote stopped me. It's stunningly shocking sometimes how words can describe emotion so effortlessly. Prior to these few lines, Katniss describes why she let someone go. It was because his "fire kindled with rage and hatred" was not what she needed. She needed the reminder that destruction was not always on the horizon, good can come again. As sappy and romantic as the context of the quote is, the statement Collins is making rings true no matter where you find yourself in life. 

Right now I find myself two weeks out from the greatest adventure I have ever been a part of. On the 18th I'll leave my comfy little life for four months in Sydney, Australia studying at a small, private Christian Arts college. I still have to stop and keep my jaw from dropping when thinking about that. I have dreamed of going to Australia since I was a little girl and my dream of studying abroad began not long after that. Once I learned I could put those two dreams together, the greatest dream of my life was born. And now it is about to come to life right before my eyes. 

I have been doing a lot of emotional preparation as I am a thinker, a reflector. I have spent time thinking back on what God has done in my life up to this point and how it could be preparing me for this next season of life. The last semester was the toughest season of my life. There are no 'maybes' or 'possiblys' about that statement. It's just fact. I found myself broken and down on my knees in silence quite often. So many times I had nothing when I came to the Lord and begged Him to help deliver me. But isn't it funny that God does the most in our life when we finally offer Him nothing. It's as if He's reminding us that there's nothing we can do, so stop trying to bring something to Him. All we can give Him is ourselves. And again and again He does an incredible work with that sacrifice. 

I saw that first hand this past semester as He beautifully transformed so many areas of my life. My faith grew- I learned that God needs me to learn to walk in the dark times of life knowing that He has gone before me. My ways of relating grew- I learned so much about what it means to be there in support of others and how to trust others to be there for me. And I even learned how to love myself- a battle I have been fighting for years.

Finding the good in those trials of the last season of my life are my dandelions in the spring. God knows just the person I need to be for this adventure in Australia. He isn't going to just drop me off there and say adios. He's gone up ahead, He's seen what I will face when I am in Australia. He has spent the past 19 and a half years preparing me for this time. 

That time won't always be beautiful. Growth and change never are. In fact, John Harbaugh said it quite well in the pre game Superbowl show yesterday- "Change forces a person to take a look at themselves, first and foremost". I know I will be taking a lot of long looks at myself this semester. But the same God who helped me stand up last semester and transform me into something beautiful will continue His good and mighty work in this next season. God is the same no matter what continent. 

I have faith that God will continue to place dandelions along my trail of life. They are His reminder that He is making things new, this life will go on and that all is good yet again. Sometimes the dandelions might be hidden where I have to search them out. Sometimes they might be right under my nose. But no matter what, they will always be there. 

And I thank God for that.